I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
