My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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