Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
