God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
