I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
