Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
