The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
