Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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