Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
