I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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