i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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