my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
