You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
