did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
