HIV tests are more positive than that guy
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
