Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
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Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
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We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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