Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
