My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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