new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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