She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
