got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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