omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
