There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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