i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
