I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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