an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
