just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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