Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
