the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
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i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
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Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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