I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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