Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
