remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
