My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
