So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i came on her dog
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
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