i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
