i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
