Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
