If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
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