All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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