Just fell off a train. Bad.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
ttyl tear gas
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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