I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
