My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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