Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
