I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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