I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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