Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
