i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
