great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
cat food counts as protein by the way
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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