i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
