I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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