So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
