So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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