I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
