we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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