Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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