dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
