Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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